A few years ago, God wrecked my world and revived my heart in the Gospel. Here is the short version of the story. I was strolling along in pastoral ministry when suddenly I found myself in the midst of a church split and a marriage crisis. I became crippled by my own sin, unable to overcome thoughts of anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness related to offenses against me from church members and my wife–real or perceived. It was largely an internal struggle with which I battled through many miserable days and many sleepless nights, but sadly my sin also manifested itself in explosive outbursts of anger toward my wife and others at times. After grappling with these sins for over a year, and wondering if my marriage and my ministry would survive, God broke through in profound ways teaching me something hugely important: I need Jesus just as much today as the first day He saved me!
God was exposing and killing the Pharisee within. Jesus said to His closest followers “beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy.”[1] Well, I was realizing that I hadn’t been vigilant enough in this regard. I was a full-fledged Pharisee, religious, biblically knowledgeable (got the summa cum laude label from seminary to prove it!), puffed up with pride and self-reliant. That worked for a while…But now I was on my face. I was learning the stunning reality that if I was to be anything as a husband, father, or pastor…that if my marriage or my ministry was going to survive, it was going to be because Jesus rescued me from my sin—plain and simple. It was going to have to be because He beat my sin for me, not because I was beating it myself.
And He did rescue me. He turned my eyes back toward the Gospel—which I had evidently left behind. God reminded me that the only hope for my sins, including my present sins, is the good news declaration that Jesus lived the life that I cannot live and died the death I deserve to die. That’s it, plain and simple. He was, and is, the husband, the father, and the pastor I cannot be. My primary responsibility is to cling to Him in faith and bear the fruits of His power. By this and by this alone will God be glorified in my life. [2]
As my heart gradually, and painfully, began believing this, I was increasingly relieved and set free. My thoughts of unforgiveness and anger were being miraculously replaced by thoughts of forgiveness and compassion. And as far as my ministry was concerned, for almost the first time in my life, there was a sense of freedom and joy in the work. God was giving me what I didn’t have on my own: excitement for the way He has loved me and love for His people! He gave me love for my wife, for my kids and for my parishioners, something I couldn’t seem to conjure up despite all my self-discipline, all my biblical study, and all my bull-dogged devotion to the commands of Scripture.
Not only was I experiencing newfound freedom and joy in my personal life, but by His grace my study of Scripture also became alive. My time in God’s Word previously had grown stale. I was like a biblical technician with all the right tools and methods but with very little genuine interest or passion for what I was doing in studying and preaching. I remember praying several times before this trial began that God would please help me to appreciate His Word more and to have more excitement about sharing it. Well, He answered that prayer! Now, as I studied I was seeing Jesus everywhere. I was realizing that, formerly, I was, in many ways, like the two disciples on the road to Emmaus, biblically knowledgeable but blind to Jesus’ ubiquitous presence. I had fallen prey to the error of the religious people whom Jesus rebuked saying “You search the Scriptures diligently because you believe that in them you have eternal life; indeed, it is these which testify of Me.”[3] As I studied God’s Word previously, I was primarily focused on me and what I was to do for Him rather than Him and what He has done for me. And it was killing me…but God was resurrecting me!
I began approaching my studies with a new set of eyes, and I was being continually blown away by the grace of God all over the pages of Scripture. I started seeing the Gospel everywhere, not just in passages which address initial conversion and justification but in passages which address sanctification and growing in grace as well. I started realizing that every biblical text points to two fundamental realities: my desperation and God’s deliverance, my sin and God’s salvation, my need and God’s provision. I began grasping the fact that Jesus Christ is the point, that His Gospel isn’t just the introductory material of the Christian life, it is the advanced material as well. I was learning what RTS professor J. Knox Chamblin meant when he said, “The Spirit does not take his pupils beyond the cross, but ever more deeply into it.”[4]
The Gospel has become my banner. Jesus has become my life line. The more I look away from myself and see Him, the more I am transformed by Him.[5] The more I trust in Him rather than myself, the more I experience His joy and the other fruits of His Spirit—God glorifying fruits which no human effort can supply.[6]
And I can say, from the bottom of my heart, this is why, and this is the only reason why my marriage and my ministry are intact today. It is all Him! He does the work, and I reap the rewards. I get the grace, and He gets the glory!
[1] Luke 12:1
[2] John 15:1-11
[3] John 5:29
[4] Chamblin, J. Knox, Paul and the Self: Apostolic Teaching for Personal Wholeness, Baker, 1993, p. 117.
[5] 2 Corinthians 3:18
[6] Galatians 5:22-23